BADDEST MAN ALIVE

It was morning. Again! Donald J Trump was busy in his Oval office doing the work of some of the American People. Donald was Tweeting. He was very pleased with himself as he watched the video of him body-slamming a pretend CNN reporter. Donald was proud of his manly strength. “Surely, I am the strongest and baddest man alive” he thought to himself. Then he remembered how strongly he had pushed the poor, weak prime minister of Montenegro out of his way at the NATO meeting. “Maybe I should have body slammed the poor, weak prime minister of Montenegro” Donald said to himself. “Besides, Montenegro is a fake country, just like CNN’s fake news. Ha-ha, I really showed CNN.”

Just as Donald Trump was about to become transformed into ecstasy over his HUGE foreign policy win for some of the American People, Melania came through the door of the oval office leading Reince Priebus by his hand. Tears were streaming down Reince Priebus’s face. This made Donald Trump Angry. Donald Trump cannot stand weaklings. “Reince Priebus is a weakling” thought Donald. “Why cannot he be strong, brave and bad like me?” “What is the matter with you?” screamed Donald.

“The Russians are demanding that we give their spy compound back” sobbed Reince.

“Tell them Donald J. trump says, ‘Go to Hell”.

“President Putin is on the phone. He says he wants to speak with you “At Once!”

Donald J. Trump Froze. He began to tremble. His palms started to sweat. They sweat profusely. Donald was afraid! Vladimir Putin is a martial arts expert. Donald Trump is only a TV wrestling promoter. Vladimir Putin is a Ju-Jitsu expert. Donald Trump knew Vladimir Putin could body slam him. Vladimir Putin rides horses bare-chested in the Mongolian Desert. Donald Trump is afraid of horses. Donald Trump only wears a suit. He does not bare his chest when he rides Barron’s large-as-life rocking horse.

Donald could barely pick up the red hot-line phone because he was trembling so violently.
Finally, Donald was able to stammer a feint “h-h-hello”.

From the phone’s speaker, a stern Russian voice growled: “VELLLLLL?”

“Oh, is that you Putie?” Whispered Donald.

“You, Donald, do not have permission to call me that – only my BFF Rex Tillerson has my permission to call me Putie” snarled the voice.

“Oh! But of course. Whatever you say Mr. President” mumbled Donald who was now sweating profusely all over.

Melania was leading Reince Priebus, who was now howling in unrelenting terror, out the door of the Oval Office.

“Stop – please don’t go” cried Donald to Melania. With his hand muting the phone, he begged Melania to “come explain to Vladimir Putin why he cannot have the spy compound back. Tell him Steve Bannon will not allow it.”

After sneering “fool” at Donald, Melania snatched the red hot-line phone from his tiny, sweaty hands. Then, in her most sensual voice whispered “Dobriy den* Putie, you old rascal.”

“Velllllllllll~” came the voice again.

“Velll yourself bad boy” replied Melania. “What’s on your mind – besides ‘THAT’?”

“Listen Mel, I need the orange monkey to give back my spy – er – my diplomatic compound. The one Obama stole.”

“Tell you what naughty boy. why don’t you just jump on that big, bad, brown camouflage jet plane you fly around in and meet me in the penthouse of your little old spy castle. I’ll give you the key myself – you old Siberian tiger you.”

“And, by the way, don’t forget that furry little white Russian bunny-hat you promised me at G-20!”

*[Russian for Good Afternoon]