IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

Donald J. Trump was never allowed to play with other children. Donald’s parents would not allow it.

There was a very good reason that he was not allowed to play with other children. Donald Trump does not have a birth certificate. If other children had known that Donald did not have a birth certificate they would have said terrible things about him. They would have told Donald that he is a non-person. We all know what cruel things children will say and how they bully those who are disadvantaged.

The reason Donald Trump does not have a birth certificate is that Donald was never born – at least, not in the sense that you and I were born. You see, Donald simply appeared one day. He appeared as a fully-grown man of about 30.

You may ask how this could be. It is right that you would want to understand. If you will pay very close attention I will tell you about the mysteriously secret and miraculously wonderful story of how Donald J. Trump came to be.
In short, you might say his was a virgin birth. That is because Donald Trump was born a virgin. It is fitting that he was born a virgin because his was also an immaculate conception – of sorts.

As it happened, when Donald Trump arrived into his existence, the couple who everyone believes to be his parents were on their annual summer vacation at a beach. It is, in fact, the very beach which Governor, Chris Christie, has convinced New Jersey residents that he personally owns. Indeed, it is also the very beach that Governor Chris Christie closes and where he vacations when he shuts down the government of New Jersey.

During the couple’s stay at the beach, as they were enjoying a casual stroll along the seashore, a miracle happened. A huge oyster-like shell drifted onto shore and lodged itself at their feet. Incredibly, to their wide-eyed amazement, the shell opened fully, like a yawning whale. Miraculously, standing inside the shell, directly in front of them, naked, as at birth, was a fully-grown man. Remarkably, his skin was a very bright orange and, although naked, his private parts were covered by the long orange-gold tresses flowing out of his somewhat thinning scalp. Mysteriously, since that day, no one has ever seen the man’s nakedness nor has anyone seen his private parts. It is God’s little secret.

The couple’s name was Schwarzenegger. At the time, they were childless and were desperately longing for a child.
Upon witnessing this miraculous event, Mr Schwarzenegger gasped: “Well, wouldn’t you know it. This trumps anything I’ve ever seen.”

The couple lovingly helped the naked man to step out of the oyster shell and led him back to their mini-van. “What are we going to do with him asked Mrs. Schwarzenegger?” “I guess we had better keep him. We’ll raise him as our own son” said Mr. Schwarzenegger.
“Oh! That will be wonderful. Our very own child” said his wife. “But what will we call him? He will certainly need a name.”

“We’ll give him my first name” said Donald Schwarzenegger. “We didn’t give him birth so he can’t have our last name.” Donald thought for a very long time about what to name the new Donald. He will not have a birth certificate so we will tell people he was born in heaven and fell into the ocean.”

“I have it!” Shouted the old Donald. In an epiphany he remembered the exclamation he cried when they first took sight of their new son. “Trump. His last name will be Trump. He will be a great gambler and trump his competitors. He will convince people to let him invest their money in real estate deals. He will be fabulously rich – sometimes.” “What about when he is not rich?” asked Mrs. Schwarzenegger. “Then he will become a great liar and learn to cheat those who befriend or do business with him. Then he will go into politics.” “Oh, our new Donald will be such a wonderful son Donald.”

Since Donald Trump does not have a birth certificate, he cannot be a U.S. Citizen. Donald Trump is an illegal alien. Realizing this, Old Donald, Donald Trump’s sort-of-father, knew he needed to find a way to make Donald Trump a real person.

One night, Donald and Donald were playing Monopoly. (new Donald always beat old Donald at Monopoly. They played with real money. That is how Donald Trump became wealthy. He always won Park Place and Broadway. He Charged exorbitant rents to anyone who landed on his properties.)

That evening, Chris Christie was visiting and was in on the game. Chris Christie had lost so much money to Donald Trump that he would never be able to pay his gambling debt.

Old Donald took Chris Christie aside and said, “look Chris, if you can arrange to get my sort-of-son a birth certificate, I am sure we can let it go.”

Chris Christie had no choice. Since he was closely connected with the New Jersey mob, he knew he could arrange for Donald Trump’s birth certificate.

As you will remember, Donald could not play with other children. After old Donald had lost all his money at Monopoly and could no longer play, Donald Trump became despondent and angry. He began to mope and feel sorry for himself.

Mrs. Schwarzenegger had a wonderful idea. She gave Donald Trump a very large, beautifully framed mirror so he could look at himself. Her idea worked so well that he no longer moped. He was no longer angry or despondent. Donald Trump, however, fell in love with himself. So deeply in fact that Mrs. Schwarzenegger became extremely worried.

But she could do nothing.

Mrs. Schwarzenegger finally decided that, as the poet, Kurt Vonnegut reminds us,

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.”