THE SNITCH: MULLER’S NUNBERG FILE

It is four a.m. and eerily quiet in the White House Presidential Suite. Donald Trump is fast asleep and not yet aware that the staff has placed his McDonald’s sausage McMuffin outside the door. Donald no longer eats a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for breakfast. Donald now follows a strict, healthy regimen.

Suddenly, Donald, even in his deep sleep, hears what sounds like paper rustling and munching. “Mice” thinks Donald and instantly awakens.

Knowing that mice do not make as much noise as the disturbance happening outside his door,  he loudly whispers “who is it?” What are you doing?

“Shhhhh! Mr President” comes a whispered response. “It’s me, Sam Nunberg. I was starved so I helped myself to your breakfast. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Sam who?” Growled Donald Trump. “How did you get in? Who let you up here. Don’t you know you could get shot? Not that I give a shit.”

“Sam Nunberg” replied Sam Nunberg. “You remember. I was your campaign advisor until you fired me. Hope Hicks let me in.”

“Why that little harlot.” shrieked Donald. “I’ll fire her when I get to the Oval Office. Let’s see, that’ll be at 11:45, fifteen minutes before lunch so I’ll have to make it quick. Don’t wanna miss lunch. Wonder what they got for me to eat today. On a diet ya’ know.”

“You already fired her Mr. President. She doesn’t leave until the end of the month. Can we talk Mr. President?”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing now, you goofy drunk? What the hell you want you squirrely little lout?”

“Listen, Mr. President. Muller’s onto us. He wants me back in front of the Grand Jury.”

“Waddya mean ‘us’. This is your problem. You forget, ‘no collusion’ Muller said so.”

“Maybe not” said Sam Nunberg. “But, they’re asking about my emails with Roger Stone and Bannon. They wanna know about when you were in Russia. They think Roger told me what went on in your hotel room.”

“And Roger told you?” Donald replied, now less confidently.

“Maybe,” came the slyly spoken reply. “Seems Roger did mention something about girls and, how’d he put it? Oh yeah. ‘A pee party video’ I think he called it.” This followed by muffled snickering. “Oh, and by the way, I had several interesting interviews on CNN today. You really oughta watch the one with Erin Burnett.”

“You said you’re not gonna show. Remember that loyalty pledge you signed?”

“Ya know, I wouldn’t mind falling on the sword for you and Roger if I knew you had my back.”

“Where you going with this?”

“As you already know, I put out to CNN that I wasn’t gonna squeal to Muller. If I don’t go in, all they can do is put me away until the grand jury is over. That’ll probably be eighteen months off my life. Of course, if I knew there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?”

Donald thought for a moment. Then said “Now that I think about it, Kelly’s job is coming up for grabs. Maybe if you forgot about this Russia stuff…”