BLACK VELVET

Donald J. Trump opened his eyes. It was morning. He knew it was morning because he could see bright rays of light peeking through the seams of the thick red velvet drapes covering the Presidential Bed Chamber windows. Donald Trump loved red velvet. “Someday,” he said, “I will have my portrait painted on red velvet. Elvis Presley’s portrait is painted on velvet. Elvis Presley even had his portrait painted with Jesus. You can buy one in Las Vegas. Elvis was the King. But Elvis is dead. Now I am the King.”

It was time to get up. Donald Trump knew that it was time to get up because the tiny, white-gloved hands on the Marco Rubio alarm clock sitting on the Presidential Night Stand pointed to the 12 and the 6. Donald Trump liked the Marco Rubio alarm clock. He liked it because the tiny hands were ever so much tinier than his own. He wondered how Marco Rubio ever got so far in politics having such tiny hands. Everyone knew that you must have enormous, manly hands to succeed in politics.

Donald Trump was much too busy to shower this morning. Besides, Melania was not there to tell him that if he did not shower he would smell like Reince Priebus. Melania does not like how Reince Priebus smells. Donald Trump, however, did brush his teeth. He was afraid to not brush his teeth because Melania had once told him that they would rot and fall out of his head if he did not brush his teeth.

Now it was time for the tie. Today, it would be his favorite big red tie. Donald loved to tie the big red tie so it would be long – very long. He liked the tip of the tie to touch his crotch. When Donald Trump looked in the mirror he was pleased. Donald Trump was pleased because he knew the long red tie would attract women. He knew this because Kellyanne Conway had once told him that the long red tie would make him desirable to women. Kellyanne Conway finds Donald Trump desirable. Kellyanne once told Donald Trump that he was a star. She said “That means you can kiss women anytime you want. You can even grab them and fondle them any time you want. Women love it.” That made Donald Trump feel important.

Today will be a good day for Donald J. Trump.

 

 

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